MEEEEE!

TODAY ....was nothing new.

i still havent got a call from him. i wounder if he thinks that i never got his call like i think he never got my call. or maybe he did get my call and choose not to answer. whatever the case is neither of us will make the call. i wounder if he thinks about me. about us..... i wounder if he talks about me to his friends. i wounder if they say good things about me like "serisously shes hott" or " come on you know she likes you". i also wounder if his friends say bad things about me. like "dude when has she ever stopped liking you" or "member last time you guys got together it didnt work and you guys faught so what makes you think it will work this time". i hope he thinks about at least half as much as i think about him.

p.s. is there anyone who is my age? any 16 year olds?teenagers ??

wow! i can right alot about him( the boy). i am so emabarsed.

anyways i forgot to tell you about today at church. we got a new paster thats really nice and funny. i like him. but the best part about church was seeing my friend tyler. who is like one out of two of my best boy-friend.( boy as a friend)hes parents got a divorce recently and his family stopped going to church. he got really upset about it but being himself the super funny/cute/ compassionate guy he is he never talks about it or shows that hes affected by it. even though i know he is because hes mom talks to my grandma. she said he freaked out and started kicking everything. well anyways he sat next to me and made me laugh the whole entire sermon. i loooooooooved it. i miss him sooo much. he also quit going to private school when they got a divorce. (which prolly has nothing to do with that anyways because he hated private school) and i know when he makes me laugh its stupid poimtless jokes that are childish but i think thats why its funny because not anyone can make childish jokes and get away with it being funny. i was just happy to see him happy and laughing with me. he really really really likes public school. i am happy hes happy.although i am selfish and wish he went to my school.

welllll thats all. oh and i told him that a girl in my class HATES me and hannah. and he told me she always "BITCHED" about us last year. i was happy he took our side. or at least realized that we dont ever do anything to her she just always has to have something to say about somone. he said she just like her mom. i am so glad he sees that too.

i just want everyone to feel free to reply or comment to anything i write. it most likely will make me feel better.

well i havent wrote for a day. lol but i am suprising myself, i didnt think i would stay this consistant.

k so basically i went to school excited beacause it was friday. i was gone like all last week to two camps. the first camp i went with my school and we were all counslors for 6th grade out door school. the second camp i went to it was for me i went with 3 kids from my youth to this AWESOME camp in the middle of no where. well anyways the point is this boy lol i know "a boy" right. well i spoke briefly about him before but i really really like him and i know i am only 16 and how i could i actually know if i really like someone.? but i know i really like him alot. i talk about him all the time. and i know it annoys my friends but i cant help it. i think about him all the time. and i always think "what if". i miss him so much. weve been on and off since the summer before my sophmore year. i know hes nothing special. hes not abercrombie model material or anything. but to me he means lot. hes cute and he seems to just be himself and he doesnt drink or smoke which is very rare in highschool. hes sweet and for some reson he likes me. sometimes i think that i like/attractited to him so much because i had no real father figure or even a mom figure. i live with my grandparents but there old fashion and i cant really talk to them about alot of stuff. and he can be so sweet but at the same time he can be a big self center JERK! but when its great its really great. he makes me feel so good about myself. i 've never really had a relationship before him or even after. i just really like him. and i hadnt talked to him or seen him since like ...like i dont even know ...like all summer and like before march of last year. and that mean i hadnt talked to him. i didnt even tell him that i switched schools. well back to my story i seen him like at football game and talked to him and he got a motorcycle and i think he was pretty happy about it. so i talked with him and all his friends. (oh by the way hes older than me by a year)(iam a junior hes senior this year)which one of them is always makes fun of me. but i dont get mad because i know he has a bad life. and then i saw him alone at the park festval and i talked with him for like 3 hours just him and me. it was fun. he filled me in with the latest gossip of everyone. but he said he would call me to hang out. well i am a pretty literal person. i am very gullible but i learned from our past together to not get my hopes up. but this time it was so hard i felt really connected with him. he never called. and i kinda caught depressed. i went to a football game and he wasnt there, hes friends were but he wasnt. then like 3 weeks later he calls when i am gone. i was just so happy he called but decided not to call him until  the weekend. i know he hates talking on the phone. so friday which was yeaterday i called him and he was super nice to me and said that we should hang out and he would come pick me up but he didnt have his car and he was with his friends in his car and there was no room. i was totally fine with that. he said he would call when he got back so he did at like 10:00 o clock at night. of course i was sleeping. so i called him back at 3 ish today after i got back from church (since i am seventhday adventist) but no one answered. so once again i am too stuburn to call him again. but i reallly think he didnt get it. i want to so much but i dont want to look desperate i want it to be chase for him. it seems like it always is a chase for me and he makes it  known. he should call me right? i just want him to call so bad. i want to hang out and feel loved by him. i want to have a boyfriend and i want it to be him. if he would just give me a chance i would show him that i can be so good to him. its 11 o clock at night and i know he wont call my house this late since i dont have a cell. and i really doubt hes going to call til like another 3 weeks or until i bump into him again. and then ill get the usual "you never called" and then i ll say "yes i did, you should have called me again if you thought i didnt get it" and then he would say " no i barely get the guts to call you the first time besides i was the last to call" and then i ll say " well its not like i havent called you a punch without you answering" then he gets quit because he knows its the truth. i wish he would call and ask me to sneak out and meet him down the road just to talk like old times. and i would ask scared and frantic that my grandma might hear but do it anyways. i would run down my road in sweats and my UGGS then i get into his car and i hug him as he smiles and makes fun of my boots like always and we end up kissing or snuggling in the back of his car. but that wont ever happen unless we actually put effort in to our relationship and at the rate its going now i can already predict its going nowhere fast. UNFORTUNATELY. i wish we were already a couple. i would be complete with him and his love for me.

i am laughing at how corny iam. he is too thought so its okay...

any advise???

K  i am just letting everyone know i am really not that interesting. but anyways i forgot to add that i am a VEGETARIN. i know its uncommon, but i actually enjoy being different. AND yes there is stuff that i can still eat like peanut butter and jelly, pasta, but my favorite is pizza.

well anyway about my day.

it started out normal. wake up early get ready for school. drive 45 minutes to get to school. well today was different and fun i actually enjoyed it. hannah and I (my bestfriend) got on our online courses and started instant messaging with other classmates. it was really cool to talk to people you can relate too and not see then and get judge. I RECOMEND CHATTING. well anyways the rest of the day was boring and unsual. EXCEPT in PE we had to play this stupid game called "keep away". I HATE IT. even the name sucks. its this game where people can freely throw the ball at you as hard as they can while you have to run to a base. well i absoulty suck at it. i get really scared and frantic and panic and usually always get out or i stand behind a bigger kid in my room in hopes of not getting PEGED with the ball. i was it almost every time so i got to get people out and i did it gentle because i know how it feels.

AFTER SCHOOL- i went to get my hair cut. getting my haircut is a BIG deal to me. i know this makes me sound soooo stupid like a high class blonde, but my hair means alot to me. i have very long dark brown hair that i keep really good care of. so when i get a haircut i get like the sweaty palms and stuff. i never like it at first. today was just a trim but it still was making nervious. my grandpa took me. my grandpa is one of those old grupmy guys. he always has been especially to me. well anyways were in the place and hes freaking out and asking how much its going to cost and when i am going to be done. i get embarrsed easily and over exagerate so it prolly wasnt even that bad. alot of the times i yern to just be the normal family. i wont ever be. my family is so screwed up in so many ways and is so unormal its not even funny.

oh and then i get home to get a phone call from my pater of my church. he says "he just wants to get together with me". i hate that. i am struggling alot with religion right now and i am the type of person that does not like to be pushed or forced to do anything. and i feel like my grandma forces me to go to church. i know i should go and stuff but sometimes i just feel like i dont belong. i know he prolly wants to 1. talk to me about the youth group since our youth leader just left 2. he wants to give me counsloring lessons which will only piss me off because hes a new paster and the only way he knows anythings wrong with me is through someone close to me, meaning someone basically said i need help 3. he wants to babtize me which i will come to him when i am ready for that commitment or 4. he wants to thank you for being involved in youth activity which i HIGHLY doubt. it doesnt matter whatever he wants to talk to me about i dont want to talk to him. i know thats so mean but i just dont feel comfortably telling anyone my promblems and especially not him. i just want to be like everyone else. he told me i can either plan a date after school to talk to him or i can think about it and of course i chose to "think" about it. it just makes me want to cry that people think i need help. i try hiding it so much. i hate that they are in my buisness. if this becomes a huge ordeal then i dont know what i am going to do because my bestfriend is like the "GODLEST" person ever plus her mom is our youth leader sooo its not like i can talk to them. i have no one. no one understands me. i hate that i cry over stupid things like this. i let things bother me too much. i wish i could be strong and forget about it but i know before i go to bed ill think about it and when my bestfriend or her mom talks to me ill think "i wounder if they asked the paster to talk to me". and its not like i can ask anyone if they asked the paster to talk to me because if they didnt then the'll know and that will only embarrse me. i am just thankful i can right everything here.

i thought i should probaly tell you about myself.

i am teenage girl. i am new at this whole bloging thing but i found that you cant always trust people so i think this is going to be a place where i can just unload EVERYTHNG. its probaly going to be boring and annoying so i wouldnt recomend reading it. who wants to hear about a 16 year old promblem?? certainly not my parents.

just to warn everyone i am not good at typeing or spelling so that could be a promblem.

well anyways i live in a small town with grandpa and grandma on my moms side. i have a sister with 2 kids that i deal with them everyday. i go to private school 45 minutes away from where i live. SUCKS. its small and lame. my family is seventh day adventist. so its all about SATURDAY! i absoulutely love music. i have a bestfriend thats fabulous. and two boys as my other bestfriends. there all awesome. of course i do like someone and thing is they like me back or did. yeah its been of and on for awhile i ll prolly get into that later since i ve been told i talk alot about him. i am not rich but i am not utterly poor. i dont drive and i so wish i did. but i guess thats all i really want to say right now.